Tornado Devastates Providence RI

PROVIDENCE — Yesterday, at around 4:23P EST, a highly irregular Tornado formed in the Downtown Art District of Providence, Rhode Island. A concentrated mixture of low pressure, along with high winds and rain, created a 300 foot tall funnel-shaped cone that reportedly originated at the corner of Washington Street and Dorrance, at the entranceway of the Restaurant McCormick and Schmicks in Providence. Heavily drunk patrons of the restaurant (consisting of mostly divorced women and insolvent entrepreneurs) aghast at the unusually dark skies, put down their 2$ Narragansett beers for a moment, and held hands in an sobering moment of incredulous wonder.

The funnel, with tortuous rapidity and a formidable stature, proceeded then to revolve in a stationary position right outside the restaurant, gathering centripetal velocity of a most ominous kind. This developing scene continued for around 15 or so minute, says one eyewitness: “…well, gauging by the intervals between beer refills and bathroom breaks, of which I admittedly broke seal early, I would have to say the tornado continued on like this for a least 15 or so minutes.” Others, reported the 15 minutes being more realistically 20-30 minutes; others still, have said as much as 1 hour, another 2 days: the actual time seemed to vary between who you ask, and at what particular level of inebriation the witness seemed to be in at the time.

Then, after the stagnated scene seemed to go on, and as more and more people began to lose interest, the funnel-shaped cloud, moved by what would almost seem a personal resolve, shot up Dorrance street and proceeded to move towards the Starbucks adjoined to the Biltmore in Downtown Providence. The Tornado in surgical fashion, moved into the building, consumed all the Art History textbooks that the late-afternoon coffee drinkers were pretending to read, and ordered a Medium Size Caramel Lowfat Mocha Latte. The barristers and Starbucks employees were nonplussed, and alas quite fearful at the hovering, cloudy behemoth, and its most perplexing drink-order. They quickly, proceeded to the back and broke the emergency glass that encased the Emergency Size Charts. They translated the Tornados request of a Medium to “Grande”, much to the relief of the Barrister who only understands first year Italian—and in that, only 3 words. The tornado continued to wait for his beverage for about 10 or so minutes. Growing for a second, momentarily incensed when another patron of Starbuck almost mistook the Medium Caramel Lowfat Moca Latte for his own beverage. He reportedly had actually ordered a Tall Warm Apple Spice Cider, but was confused at the similarity in word count of the two orders. Once the barrister finally created the beverage, the Tornado reached over to the barrister-bar to grab the hot beverage, and proceeded to adjust the drink to its particular liking in terms of sugar and cream. The Tornado, disappointed, but seemingly accustomed, acquiesced to the plea of the Starbuck employee that Heavy Soy Milk and Sugar-in-the-Raw were the only condiments available at the moment, despite the obvious global ubiquity of regular sugar and bovine milk.



The Tornado then proceeded to the door, a revolving-door, as it were, and proceeded in haste, to the recently constructed Providence Place Mall. Again, in seemingly surgical precision, and again, in what seemed almost personal motivation, went into the mall, as people screamed and parted like the Red Sea in Moses’ time. The tornado entered into the second floor, proceeded to the escalator, of which, he waited with patience until it arrived on floor 1. People on the escalator behind the tornado were a bit irritated at the refusal of the Tornado to walk down the moving escalator to expedite its arrival to the first floor. Finally, after arriving on the first floor, the tornado with blinding rapidity, gliding past the Banana Republic, went into J Crew and consumed the entire Men’s Summer Lineup of clothing. Most witnesses regarded, that the J Crew store didn’t look any different then before the Tornado entered. One employee was tragically consumed by the Tornado for her unabated resolve to “offer assistance” to the Tornado. After exiting J Crew, the Tornado went straight into the newly opened Apple Store, completely razing the foundations of the little enclosure, and devastating all the Apple/Mac products, including iPod Nanos, Mac Minis, the overpriced Mac Books. And then in a strange maneuver, squirted onto, with heavy frothy liquid—what seemed like spit—a large poster entitled “The Greener Apple”. The whole store was subsequently destroyed, and unfortunately, all the customers and employees were swept along with the Tornado.

The razing of the Apple Store opened an enormous gash on the side of the Providence Place Mall. The Tornado left the mall through this opening, and in one last bit of surgical—yet disastrous—intent, the Tornado proceeded down Dorrance street in Providence, took a left over at Pine, overturning vehicles parked on the left side of the road, and proceeded into the familiar late night college (and high-school alum losers) establishment known warmly in Providence as Mcfaddens. The Tornado blasted through the back entrance of the door, refused to pay the (exorbitant) cover charge, resisted the advances of some highly intoxicated, dirty and scantly-clad, 24 year-old girls, and in most unusual fashion, proceeded to consume and sweep away all the men in the establishment wearing Pink Shirts— and any men that refused to button the last three top buttons of their shirts.

This is where the tornado, and its heavy winds, and force began to enervate. The Tornado broke through the side of the establishment, and started to dissipate through the air. After taking one last disgusted look at the aquamarine color of the new “Iway” bridge connecting I195 and 95 (set to open in 2010). The Tornado disappeared into the air, much in the same way it came to being.

Damages are still being assessed by local and state officials at the moment. Fortunately, the Apple Store’s losses were minimum, since cost of merchandise is actually only a 4th of the products retail value; thanks to low labor cost and exploitation of Shaghigh students. More on the Tornado of 2007 will be reported upon the gathering of further information.

*this is all an elaborate joke—if that isn’t immediately obvious. All facts are fabrications or just simply uncorroborated. Except for Mcfaddens being a high-school alum loser hangout, that one’s true.

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